Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right. – Phil McGraw
When I finally took the plunge and decided to be tested I was feeling positive and incredibly empowered about what I was about to do. Here I was taking my life into my own hands by finding out if there was a near 90% chance that I would get the dreaded “C bomb” and then kicking it out of the park should I found out it was lurking inside my body. Well, that’s how I felt at the time anyway, retrospect has a funny way of messing with your feelings…
Before I made the decision to put in the request for testing, so many things went around in my head. I felt like my head was a bag of squirrels all fighting for the same nut. At one point I was questioning whether I really wanted to know, after all ignorance is bliss right? Then I was assuring myself it would be ok to just get it over and done with, and I guess I didn’t really think too much about the outcome; but that’s just my style I suppose, I don’t like to overthink the unknown too much. I believe in fate and I believe in the now – worrying about what may or may not come is massive energy drain and usually leads to some seriously stressed out moments.
So here are some of my bag of squirrel thoughts, just incase you or someone you love are going through this too…. Its ok to feel batshit crazy ! (or maybe …if its just us…we’re two marvellously odd peas in a pod!)
- Whats not to be sure about?!
- I bet you don’t have it ….
- Why wouldn’t you want to know?
- You probably do have it ……
- Other people think you should be tested, so you should
- Why wait, whats the point, get it over and done with.
- Wait, whats the rush?
- Times ticking on love you’re 28 years old, old enough to handle it
- Are you sure you’ll be ok?
- What if you’re not ok? What if this haunts you forever?
- You’re a tough cookie you’ll be fine ….
- Mmmmmm . Cookies.
And so it went on, round and round in my head until the appointment came through with the genetic counsellor, via letter in the post. Then it became a bit more real. It said I would be meeting my genetic counsellor to discuss the gene and the implications etc, and off I went to tell the counsellor that I probably knew more about it all than she did, as my mum and her BRCA family have taught me so much in the last few years. There’s actually been occasions that my mum has actually educated the Doctors in our local surgery, I kid you not.
Its astounding how little is known out there by some professionals, I’m not knocking them by any means as advances in medical and scientific fields happen probably hourly; they cant possibly be expected to keep up… I guess its just concerning when you want and need their guidance and knowledge and ultimately, they end up getting yours!
So there I was, ready to go meet my genetic counsellor and figure out if gene testing was right for me. I’m sure it was, I mean, probably….