I do believe in the old saying, ‘What does not kill you makes you stronger.’ Our experiences, good and bad, make us who we are. By overcoming difficulties, we gain strength and maturity. – Angelina Jolie
I walked into the appointment room with my fiancée and we sat and discussed what i knew about the faulty gene, what having it would mean for me and whether I was certain I wanted the test. I was confident I did, in fact adamant and assured her that I wanted to go ahead, thinking another appointment would be scheduled for a few weeks with the bloods team……
Ooohh no, this lady had other ideas…whaddup with that, doc?! actually..wait… I didn’t even know you were a doc!?(over here in the uk theyre called ‘genetic counsellors..but misleading as they arent counsellors in the therapy sense) anywho, She whipped her needle box out there with vampire like enthusiasm….and then and asked if i was ok with bloods being taken… I 100% did not expect that and truth be told, was totally taken aback by it. Shock must’ve kicked in as I don’t remember her doing it but I do recall thinking, Fuck it (yes, you’ll see a “F” it theme emerging) –
No time like the present is there?! Might as well get it over with, can’t be doing with another hospital appointment anyway and I might not come back if I think too long and hard about it. After all, isn’t it why I was there in the first place? Its funny how such a big decision can make one more uncertain than you ever thought possible. For me, this theme repeats as more BRCA related decisions are made over the course of time. Even decisions not to make decisions… Ultimately, those are decisions too!
She got it all done very efficiently and painlessly and then 4 weeks later I got the invite back to get my results, which I had been advised would be given face to face whatever the outcome. When I got the appointment date, I felt surprisingly relaxed about the whole thing and scheduled the time off work like it was any other doctors visit. I guess at that point I knew that there was no turning back, and no way I wasn’t going to find out what the results were.
I know, I know what you’re thinking – Carly, love, don’t keep us in suspense- we know from the blog title this isn’t going to be a shocker… but bare with me, I still want to share it all, as someone out there may be waiting for their results and my experience might help just one person get even a tiny understanding of what may lie ahead. Sure, we’re all different, but yet, in our hearts we’re all the same. We all carry fear of the unknown, and boy was I shitting myself.